Did you get my message?

Last night was heart wrenching. And I don't mean that in the sense that I normally would. I witnessed so much last night that I wish I was the only one that was able to do . Then...when it was time to sleep, I was hoping to just lay in bed with Josh and fall asleep. We didn't have to be close to eachother or anything. But he didn't hesitate to tell me no and that I am sleeping upstairs. I think that is what hurt the most.

I have this thing where I can't sleep in a place alone if I've never slept there before. The only room I have ever slept in at his house was his room. And he decides to force me into a room I didn't know. Needless to say...I didn't sleep at all.

Now I am running off of 48 hours of no sleep at all. My body and mind tell me to sleep, but I am telling myself not to. Why? Because I don't want to. Because I don't want to sleep and have to see his face, lying in bed next to me in my dreams. Because when I wake up, I don't want to hurt 100x more than I do right now. Why don't people get the hints you send them? I've hinted so many times about how I feel for him. Last night just proved that my feelings for him are the same has they have been, and how they will always be. How do you say "I love you" to someone who does not love you back?

It is killing me. Far worse than I can even say right now. I am so jealous when it comes to talking about other guys. I want him to myself. I want to hug, and kiss, and hold, and sleep next to, and wake up next to him. But that will never happen. And I don't think it is why he said it was. I think he is scared of what might happen. Scared. Just plain fucking scared.

We all get scared, Josh. It's just a matter of facing what you fear the most, with the person and/or people that want to help with it.

This entry is for Alan. This is not my private server, just one I have been using until we get ours up and running. Here is what you do:

1. Go to www.prewow.com and register an account for free.
2. Afterwards, open the WoW folder in your programs and locate the file called, "realmlist.wtf."
3. Open it with notepad and erase the contents, replacing it with the following line:
                            set realmlist prewow.zb.lv
4. Save and close file and folder.
5. Open WoW and log in.
6. Create character on the alliance side (if you wanna play with me).
7. Whisper me on my character called Paem by typing "/w Paem"

Hehe, text me when you get on.

Tomorrow is going to suck, hardcore. I have to go to a family gathering in Keene, NH. Kind of sucks. I get to hang out with all the old people that I never get to see, ever. My family is insane. I invited Josh to come so I had someone to hang out with and chat to, but he had to work, which blows hardcore.

Gah...wish me luck.

Good news. I may have a job! Granted...it is at a Mobil gas station. But it is a job none the less!

Days will come that make no sense
My present situation makes me think too much, too much
It all revolves around you
This life that I'm living is nothing without you

I'd shed my skin for you (I'd shed my skin for you)
What would you want me to do (What would you want me to do)
I will always love you, but I can't live like this

This problem here is my fault
It's not that I don't care but I'm so lost

I'd shed my skin for you (I'd shed my skin for you)
What would you want me to do (What would you want me to do)
I will always love you, but I can't live like this

Why

Now you (rip me apart) see why
(Now you see why)
Don't fuck with feelings inside
Who you lying to? Will I survive?
I like what you put my through, 'cause I feel almost alive (Almost alive)

I'd shed my skin for you (I'd shed my skin for you)
What would you want me to do (What would you want me to do)
I will always love you, but I can't live like this
I'd shed my skin for you (I'd shed my skin for you)
What would you want me to do (What would you want me to do)
I will always love you, but I can't live like this

01. Your Name:
02. Age:
03. Single or Taken:
04. Favourite Movie:
05. Favourite Song or Album:
06. Favourite Band/Artist:
07. Dirty or Clean:
08. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
09. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?!
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace, etc.' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

It has been a rather dull day. Summer theater was lame. I mean, it got me out of the house, but there was nothing really of interest when I got to the theater. I met the music director, who is wicked funny. She helped me with the music, which I am still going to fuck up, but what can I say. I am musically inclined.

"Order! Order! Order in the court!" - Yertle the Turtle

In other news...I've been thinking about Josh more than usual. I can't stop, not that I want to. Not sure what I should do about that one though...whatever. He just doesn't get it.

So far the private server for WoW isn't going as I hoped. Stephen and I were planning on having it up and running by today, but I guess not. We're shooting to have it up by Saturday. We'll see how that goes.

That was my day. How was yours?

I am not looking forward to 6:00pm. Last week I was drafted into playing the part of Yurtle the Turtle for the Hillsboro's summer theater production of "Seussical The Musical." I took the part because it was originally played by my friend Ryan, who at the last second, was forced to quit because his parents were making him go to Canada on the day it was to be performed. And guess who they came to, asking to fill the spot? Yep...good 'ol me.

I will have my cell on me, so feel free to call and/or text. Dunno if I will answer, but just know you're able to. So until later, my friends, have an excellent day. :-D

So as I said last night, I watched and voted for Kameron and Lacey because their dance was absolutely amazing. There is something about the dance style of hip-hop that I love. That, combined with the style of clothes that the dancers wore last night...I was drooling so bad. Kameron is gorgeous! And there was a lucky girl in the audience that he pulled out, sat on the steps with, and kissed on the cheek. Lucky bitch.

Anyways...here is a picture from last night's hot dance. Click it.

Yeah, so I voted for Kameron on SYTYCD. His dance was amazing, and he looked wicked cute in his outfit. -drool-

Yeah, so it is on right now, and the show is absolutely amazing.
Probably gonna vote for Kameron again. He is amazing. And hot.
Hehe.

Rise and shine people, the weather is shitty today. I was hoping to get out of the house and do something outside, but I don't see that happening now. Stupid rain. Well...actually, I love the rain, but it ruins plans sometimes. I KNOW! Maybe I will grab my MP3 player and and take a walk in it. Guess that is all I can really do.

Oh yeah, I applied for a job at Mobil yesterday. Martha knows the manager, so hopefully I can get the job. I really need it. If I am lucky, they will call me back today or something.

Yeah, so thats the plan for the day. Walk in the rain, and hope that Mobil calls. Catch ya later :-D

I guess it is back to blogging on an actual blog site. The first blog was on that lame site OpenDiary which for some reason, everyone stopped using it. No matter, it got pretty lame. Anywho... the reason I am starting this is to have a place to write. That and I can actually leave Alan some comments with an actual user name. Hehe.

So thats the first entry. Wow...I am lame.